Dear Cthulhu,

            I’ve been dating “Ted” for two years and things had been going well. I thought he was the one, until the day I saw him and my sister sneaking off together in the middle of the day. They thought I was going to be at work, but I took a long lunch to surprise him with a quickie. Imagine my surprise to see her pull up ahead of me at his house and go right up to the door. He opens it, hugs her and they go inside and close the door. You didn’t have to draw me a picture, but you could have knocked me over with a feather. My boyfriend cheating on me with my own sister!

            I wasn’t going to get either one of them get away with it. First, I went to Ted’s brother’s apartment. As soon as he opened the door, I pushed him inside and went after him like a nymphomaniac after spending forty days in the desert. Next I went to his father’s house wearing nothing but a raincoat and a smile. When we were done, his father had a smile too. Then I visited his two best friends at the same time, if you get my drift. And last but not least, I went to my sister’s husband. He was the only one to tell me no, until I told him that his wife was cheating on him. He didn’t believe me until I showed him the video footage of them going inside together I took on my cell. I helped him get over his grief and over me.

            But just getting even with the two of them wasn’t enough. I needed to rub their noses in it. Luckily I have a huge memory card on my phone and took videos of my encounters and posted it on X-Tube and sent e-mails to not only the cheaters, but our friends and family. There were so many hits my video montage was the number one watched of the whole week. I think my splicing was artistically done and setting it to the song that keep repeating if you like it, you should have put a ring on it helped.

            Ted and Sis were really PO’ed. I told them they got what they deserved. Ted was so livid he could only stutter. Sis told me I was an idiot. It turns out they weren’t having an affair. Ted had asked Sis to help him pick out an engagement ring to give to me. The hug was just their excitement.

            I told them I didn’t believe them, until Ted pulled out the ring. The rock had to be 2 karats easy, real high quality. It was the type of diamond ring I had always dreamed of since I was a little girl, but Sis knew that. I admit I started to tear up. I said yes to his unanswered question, but when I reached out to take the ring he pulled it back and told me to go to hell.

            I apologized but neither of them would accept it. I even took the video off the web, but the damage was done. Neither Ted or Sis will speak to me. Worse, my Mom and the rest of the family are siding with them. Sis is even using the clips of me and her husband to file for divorce.

            I screwed up, both literally and big time. I realize now that I love Ted and want to spend the rest of my life with him. How do I get him to forgive and forget about this? Can I ever regain his trust? What should I do?

            -Fumbling Fornicator In Fredericksburg

Dear Fumbling,

            In Cthulhu’s experience, humans with any modicum of self-respect for themselves who truly care for their partner have difficult getting past infidelity, with the possible exception of some who adhere to an alternate lifestyle belief system involving partner sharing or polygamy. Those who either do not care for themselves or their partner have been known to encourage these activities with their partner, but there is no real love there.

            For you to have committed so many infidelities in rapid succession and then to have made them so public without regard for any of the others involved, including your partners and former boyfriend, will make it especially difficult for him to forget. This will be even further compounded by the fact that a quick web search shows that your little film has been archived on no less than eleven other sites, which means evidence of your cheating acts will likely forever be available for viewing on the internet. Can you imagine the conversation Ted might one day have to have with your teenage children to explain the existence of said video? I would imagine he already has considered this scenario, which makes it more unlikely that he would consider reconciliation.

            As for what you could do to regain his trust, Cthulhu does not know if there is anything you could do short of lobotomizing him, but a drooling idiot is probably not the type of mate you are looking for. You could also consider learning hypnosis or drugging him, but the odds against him letting you close enough to try either are considerable.

            It is probably best for all involved if you simply move on, preferably by changing your name and leaving town. However, your little movie does show some skill so you might want to consider a career in adult filmmaking as either a director or actress.

Dear Cthulhu,

            Why does the universe mock me at every turn?

            -At The End Of My Rope

Dear Rope,

            Mainly because you are an easy target. Stop with the drama, quit whining and things could get better, but probably not. Oh, your rope is frayed as well.

Dear Cthulhu,

            I’m a 22-year-old man and I’ve slept with a stuffed animal, my Boo-boo Bear, since I was a baby. I realize it’s a little weird, but it’s worked well for me. I always wake rested and I’ve never had insomnia. It was a great system until “Shanna”.

            Shanna and I had been dating for a few months and our relationship progressed in the normal way and we started sleeping together. At first it was at her place, so I made an excuse to get up and leave in the wee hours of the morning, saying I had to get home to get ready for work. Once there, I’d catch a couple of hours with Boo-Boo Bear. This worked great until she decided to start coming over to my place and packing an overnight bag. I tried to cuddle Shanna instead, but it wasn’t the same. Don’t get me wrong, in most ways it’s better, but somewhere deep inside, it wasn’t the same. I wasn’t sleeping well, which started to affect me at work. I fell asleep on the job, but luckily woke up before getting caught. I didn’t want to get fired, so I’d wait until Shanna was asleep and get Boo-boo Bear. I slept well for the first time in a week. As soon as the alarm went off, I threw my bear under the bed so Shanna wouldn’t see. It worked for a week, then I made a mistake. On Saturday, neither of us had to get up for work so we didn’t set an alarm. Shanna woke up before me and saw me sleeping with the bear.

            She woke me up by yelling. Seems she was upset by it, jealous almost. I explained that my feelings for her and Boo-boo are very different and one does not affect the other. Shanna doesn’t care and is demanding I get rid of Boo-Boo. I don’t think I can. I’m worried I’ll never sleep well again. On the other hand, I’m worried if I break up with Shanna, I’ll never have sex again and Boo-boo is not a substitute for that, especially since I don’t think of him that way. Plus he’s a guy bear, which would kind of bother me. I really like the sex. I was a virgin before we met and believe it or not, I’m kind of nerdy.

            I’m torn between being tired all the time and my job suffering for it, but having sex every night or being well rested but lonely. What should I do?

            -Bear Necessities in Baltimore

Dear Bear,

            You have developed a rather extreme attachment to a stuffed animal. However, for you it has been functional. Perhaps a compromise could be reached. The bear could be put on a nearby shelf or you could purchase a headboard with bookshelves and leave the bear there. Another option is on a nightstand, where you could reach out and touch it, but still keep it out of the bed. Cthulhu would suggest cutting a piece out of it to hold, but with your attachment that might prove too traumatic. If Shanna will not agree to compromise, then you will have to deceive her for your own benefit, like all good relationships. Put the bear on your side of the bed between the mattress and box spring. This way you can sleep and take comfort from being near him and your procreation partner doesn’t know. Or put him inside your pillow and sew it back up. Cthulhu doubts you would get in trouble for cuddling a pillow and it you do get questioned, blame it on habit.

            One other thing to keep in mind is regular sex typically does not last in a human relationship, so given time you may find more comfort in the bear. Also, in Cthulhu’s experience, there are humans who will procreate with anything, so your fear of no longer having sex is probably unfounded, provided you are not horribly disfigured. Even then, you could find partners, although some of them might find Boo-boo Bear even more attractive than you, but at least you would not have to hide him.

            Have A Dark Day.