Dear Cthulhu,

I’m a college student and my roommate is a pain in the butt. “Tammy” is little Ms. Perfect. She has a 4.0, is on full scholarship, volunteers almost every day of the week, and is dating the captain of the lacrosse team. Tammy was even growing her hair to donate to Hair for Whores, an organization that was helping out local prostitutes that were attacked by the Nair Avenger, some religious nut who figured he could stop hookers if they were all bald.

I ate her food out of our fridge and wore her favorite outfits. It didn’t phase her. I tried to sleep with her boyfriend, but he turned me down flat. Finally I decided to do something drastic. Tammy eats jello like it’s going out of style, so I replaced her snack with some I made with vodka instead of water. She ate an entire bowl, which was equal to about eight shots and passed out. I shaved her bald and sold her hair to a wig maker.

When she woke up, she thought the Nair Avenger had attacked her. She organized the hookers to demand the police do something. She ended up capturing him herself and now she has a book and movie of the week deal worth millions.

Living with her is driving me even more nuts than before. What can I do?

- Malicious Roommate in Montana

Dear Malicious,

The solution is so simple it makes Cthulhu wonder how you actually got into college. Daddy built the university a library, did he?

Move out to another dorm and you need never see Tammy again. You can use the money from the wig maker for moving expenses.

Dear Cthulhu,

My husband is divorcing me and I think he’s being a hypocrite for doing it. He’s a minister, but in a sect that allows divorce so that’s not the hypocritical part. He’s always going on about how he is doing God’s work all the time, but when I do the same thing he wants to call off our marriage.

Our church is against gay marriage, so when “Bruce”, one of our parishioners, announced he was going to marry a man my husband immediately counseled him. They had several sessions, but nothing my husband said could change his mind, including telling him he would no longer be able to attend our church. My husband viewed this as a personal failure, thinking that he lost one of the souls the Lord entrusted to him.

He was quite depressed over it.

I thought I might succeed where my husband failed. He might have a collar, but I had a push up bra and a butt that could stop traffic. I figured I could bring Bruce back from the dark side and into the light. With that in mind, I dressed in my sexiest lingerie under a trench coat and went to his apartment. Let me tell you, I worked it. Inside of five minutes I had him riding hard back on the path to righteousness. Then his fiancé “James” walked in. Things were tense there for a few minutes, but I figured I could bring salvation to two just as easily as one and before long James had seen the light at the end of the tunnel. I got biblical on both of them, then under and between them. I saved each of them three times that night and if I needed any extra proof the amount of times they screamed “Oh God!” gave it to me. I went home and slept the sleep of the just.

I was expecting them to call off the wedding. Instead I found out they were hosting their own web cast about the wedding and had caught my naked evangelizing on a web cam. Half the town saw it and the other half found out about it by the next day. My husband kicked me out of the rectory and filed for divorce, despite my explanation that I was trying to save their souls by giving them a piece. Of heaven that is.

Would you please explain to my husband that what I did was for the greater good and he should just suck it up. I’m certainly willing to.

-Woman Positioning to be a Missionary in Minnesota

Dear Missionary,

You have asked for Cthulhu’s advice, so I will dispense on the lecture on your poor choice of religion. You will never catch Cthulhu asking his followers to chow down on a piece of my tentacle. But I digress.

I have a passing familiarity with the tenets of your religion and it is my understanding that it actually actively discourages copulation outside of marriage. As a member of that faith, you are bound to follow their rules, not make up your own. In addition to your unfortunate devotion to your faith, you have made vows to your husband which you have broken. In my cult, he could publicly flog you and offer you up as a sacrifice to me. In his mind his only option is the one he is taking, which is to divorce you.

My advice is to quit your religion so you can do what you like without hypocrisy. You may also have much success forming your own religion if copulation is your path to enlightenment.

Dear Cthulhu,

I am a bisexual man who works for a married couple. The husband “Hans” and I went away on a business trip together and the hotel messed up our reservations. By the time we got there, they only had one room with a full size bed. Rather than making me sleep in the rental car, Hans figured I could sleep on the floor. Then he felt bad for me and told me to get into the bed with him. One thing led to another and Hans and I started seeing each other, going hot and heavy, especially in the office when his wife, “Gretel” wasn’t around.

Then Hans went on another trip and didn’t take me because he was going to be staying at his sister’s house. Gretel and I were in the office when she confessed to me that she thought Hans was cheating on her. Any other day, I would have defended him, but I was upset he didn’t take me with him, so I told her she might be right. Gretel broke down and cried on my shoulder. One thing led to another and we did it on her desk. We spent the rest of the weekend doing it anywhere else we could find.

Now I’m seeing both of them. When one of them leaves, the other attacks me. It was fun at first, but now I can’t get any of my work and I’m falling behind. There are times I can’t keep, well, “up” with the workload. Worse, I leave exhausted. Some days I get home and can barely have sex with my own wife or my male mistress.

The problem is next week, both Hans and Gretel are going to separate conferences and want me to choose which one I’m going to. I don’t want to go with either. Frankly I could use the rest, but I don’t want to hurt either of them, especially since both could fire me.
What should I do?

- Manwhore in Manchester

Dear Manwhore,

Could you get another job easily? If so, you may want to consider it. Other than fatigue, you seem to be enjoying the situation. Allow Cthulhu to make some suggestions. Tell each of your bosses that you are having trouble keeping up with your workload because of your extracurricular activities and see if you can get them to hire you an assistant. That will give you more time. As for the fatigue, may Cthulhu suggest large doses of caffeine and male potency enhancing drugs. That should solve your problems, so long as one thing doesn’t lead to another with your new assistant.

Have A Dark Day.

Dear Cthulhu welcomes letters and questions at DearCthulhu@dearcthulhu.com. All letters become the property of Dear Cthulhu and may be used in future columns.

Dear Cthulhu is a work of fiction and satire and is © and ™ Patrick Thomas. All rights reserved.  Any one foolish enough to follow the advice does so at their own peril.