Dear Cthulhu,
I have a problem. I recently got my wife to take me back, which is good because I don’t like to work and she supports me when we’re together. “Daisy” is big into animal rights nonsense and we got a kitten so she had to have it sprayed and neutered. She made me do it because I didn’t have a job. I used to tell her putting up with all her crap was a full time job, but that was why she kicked me out the last time so I kept my mouth shut and took the cat. Problem was, the vet was next door to an OTB and I had a hot tip on a horse in the fourth race so I put Fluffy’s surgery money on the nose to win. Turns out the tip wasn’t so hot and I lost. Not wanting wifey to be pissed at me, I taped some gaze to the cat’s stomach and took her home, telling my wife it was done. She became suspicious that I brought the cat home that night. Apparently, normally they keep the animal overnight. Who knew? Anyway, Fluffy’s an inside cat, so I figured I’d be safe. Wrong. The little hairball got in heat and ran on one day while I was holding the door to talk to these two cute Jehovah’s Witnesses I was trying to convince to come in and some me what begot meant. The cat took off and so did the women.
Fluffy stayed out all night, apparently whoring it up, because she came back pregnant. Or at least I think she did. I tried one of my wife’s home pregnancy tests on the cat, although I have no idea why my wife has them. We haven’t had sex in months. I was relieved when it was negative until I found out it didn’t work on animals. I broke in and stole one from the vet’s office, but collecting the urine was hell. Daisy still hasn’t stopped complaining about the smell in the living room.
I think the test was positive, but I forgot to steal the instructions. I don’t want to tell my wife because she threatened to kick me out if Fluffy didn’t come back the night she was slutting it up. If she finds out I faked the neutering, I’m out on the street. I can’t just get rid of the cat because she’d still kick me out. Ditto on killing it. If the cat is preggers, what are my options?
What’s a guy to do?
-Pussycat Problem in Peekskill
Dear Peekskill,
Lie, but come clean at the same time. If you harm the cat or the kittens, your wife will never forgive you and when she kicks you out this time there will be no hope for reconciliation because every time she looks at you she will see an animal abuser.
Your best bet is to tell her what you did, leaving out the part about betting on the horse. Instead tell her you felt forced neutering was wrong, that when you brought the cat to the vet all you could picture was someone forcing your wife to be neutered and you could not force that on another living being. These are the type of phrases that get to animal rights activists. Tell her you donated the cash to PETA. Now explain that the thought of bringing all those little kittens into the world and not being able to care for them has finally made you realize that she was right. Grovel, apologize and promise to find homes for all the kittens. And to make it easier on you, there is a restaurant near you that makes the most delicious Kung Pu Kitten. They will give the kittens a good home until it is time to serve them up.
Dear Cthulhu,
My roommate “Art” is an artist. So am I, but he’s got more talent and imagination than I do. Sadly, both of us have struggled in obscurity for years. Unfortunately, that all changed when Art died in a bizarre paint explosion. When they took his body away, it left its own outline. The explosion was caught on video and was shown on all the local new networks and has had millions of hits on MeTube.
I started putting a few of his pieces up on U-bay and there were bidding wars. I made a mint. Then I started putting some of my stuff up saying it was a collaboration between us. They sold too. He got a posthumous showing at the biggest art gallery in the state and because I told them my pieces and a couple of his were a collaboration, so did I.
I made a mint. Best of all, I said he has hundreds of pieces. He didn’t, but since they think my style is his, I can start churning them out. I also saved some of his best work to claim as my own.
The problem is his family is suing me. They had written him off long ago, but now that there’s money, they want some. They are even claiming that I’ve stolen some of his own and trying to pass it off as my own. Ironically, it’s the stuff that’s all mine that they’re making the claims about, not the stuff that was actually his.
They are even contesting his will just because it wasn’t done by a lawyer. I did it the night after he died from a free internet template. The signature is an exact copy, which is to be expected since I became an expert after putting it on so many of my own canvases.
What should I do? Do they have a chance of contesting the will? And it shouldn’t affect the pieces we “did together,” right? And they can’t stop me from selling my own artwork just because it looks like what they think is his, can they? I love my new loft on the waterfront and my Jaguar is such a sweet ride I’d hate to have it repossessed. I’m enclosed a half dozen original paintings, signed by “us” to thank you for your help in advance.
-Artisan in Austin
Dear Artisan,
Cthulhu would once again like to state he is not an attorney. There are some depths even I will not sink to. However, if the will was not notarized or witnessed by someone other than you, the primary beneficiary, I would think they would have an excellent chance at contesting it. As his next of kin they would likely be entitled to at least some share of the money from his artistic estate. However, this type of legal infighting can be tied up in the courts for years and years and the first thing their legal representation will likely do is get an injunction against you trying to sell any more of Art’s work, which sounds like it would cripple your cash flow, unless your work is taking off on its own.
Cthulhu suggests a peace offering of several dozen pieces. Since you can make more, this shouldn’t be an issue. Also since they live in another city, this would help not to glut your local art market, which would hurt your own sales. In art, there are fades so Art’s star will soon fade, unless you can produce more footage of him hurting himself artistically. Perhaps digging up his body for a series of viral videos, allegedly set before his demise, would help keep your asking prices up, maybe even make them go higher.
I advise this option heartily as Cthulhu now owns originals and I want to make sure I get as much as possible when I sell them. I advise you to be very creative in your productions because I know where you live and I have a high-definition camera and Cthulhu is well aware that what would make the paintings even more valuable would be both artists having died in bizarre but artistic accidents.
Have A Dark Day.
Dear Cthulhu welcomes letters and questions at DearCthulhu@dearcthulhu.com. All letters become the property of Dear Cthulhu and may be used in future columns. Dear Cthulhu a work of fiction and satire and is © and TM Patrick Thomas. All rights reserved. Any one foolish enough to follow the advice does so at their own peril.
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